Dear Diary, I have deleted my Bed Wars posts because I dont want to look back on how emotional and overwhelmed – and alone the whole scenario made me feel.
It has brought home the obvious, that Parkies is beginning to win in its relentless progression and insidious takeover, of my mind especially.
The physical signs are not so obvious to the untrained eye but as my doctor pointed out yesterday depression is a common part of Parkinsons, whether it be chemical or from the situation.
The loss of all kinds of control really scares me.
I always enjoyed being on my own, because I was able to get about and had a wide circle of friends, and a handful of very staunch long-term friends.
I am no longer able to see to drive, and each one of my dear friends is fighting their own difficult battles for survival. We support each other still but dont gravel well.
Suddenly, on Sunday, I felt very, very isolated, and even detached from life and my comfy little home. Even my plants no longer seemed to connect to me. It felt horrible and very scary.
I felt so ill I nearly cancelled my outing with my son but instead admitted to him that I wasnt coping and what I really needed was to get some replacement flowering plants for my pots and the all-important potting mix.
Of course that outing put everything back into kilter, especially as my lovely teenage grandaughter came too.
Yesterday my helper came and we went back to the third bed shop to meet up with my new Co-ordinator to see if this bed would meet my medical needs. It doesnt meet nursing care requirements but my occupational therapist had assured her that I did need this for my current medical and lifestyle needs.
So Captain Snooze is fast-tracking the order and a week on friday I can be supported sitting up in bed while writing this, and sleeping in the anti-snore position to stop waking myself up. I may even get a good night’s sleep!
I have to firmly tell myself this is not a miracle cure, but judging how my body eased up while lying on it while discussing it yesterday, any relief will be bliss.
My later visit to my doc to review my meds didnt offer any hope so I am back to my busy neurologist on 29th – sooner if there is a cancelation – to see if there is an alternative to the failed Xadago (see ptevious posts). There are new options coming along.
So enough of this maudlin stuff. Those poor plants need potting up to fill the dead spaces with colour once more. Maybe later.
Onward and upward.